Over the next few pages, I would like to present my personal
interpretation of the evolution of the Israeli-Arab conflict, and
the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in particular, based on a model
which I have developed for couple psychotherapy ("If You Love Me,
Don't Love Me", Basic Books, New York, 1990).
According to this model, one of the couple members has extended the
scope of a particular experience in his or her past in such a way
that it becomes a general rule. For example, a woman who was loved
very much by her father and then abandoned by him at a very young
age may elaborate a construction of reality according to which, if
you are loved, you will end up being abandoned. Thus, although she
will ask her husband to love her, she will only be sensitive to
those aspects of her partner's behavior which reinforce her deep
beliefs: if he loves her, he will eventually leave her.
Unintentionally, on a conscious level, she will ask for love while
at the same time believing that it isn't possible to be loved
without being abandoned. The other couple member may, on the basis
of personal experiences in which, for example, he did not feel
accepted, ask his partner to accept him without really believing
that it can happen.
In both cases, the partners seem to focus on that which, in the
other partner's behavior, reinforces their deep beliefs. As
surprising as it may seem, the pain and suffering caused by the
couple's conflicts play the role of protecting each partner. The
couple members are able to continue wearing the armor they donned
in order to protect themselves from the disillusion which they
might face if they were to take it off. The couple functions in
such a way that neither member is obliged to part with the past,
and sees in the other those elements which keep the past alive.
Given this situation, the therapist's task becomes one of helping
the couple members to dare to imagine possibilities which go beyond
the self-fulfilling prophecy in which they are caught. This change
doesn't occur only at the level of an understanding of the process
in which the couple members are trapped. It also takes place
through the emotional experience of a new type of relationship
which is created, in most cases, via the couple's
psychotherapist.
Behind the Antagonism
What is the link between couple therapy and the Israeli-Arab
conflict? Looking back on the Israeli-Arab conflicts before 1967
from the point of view of the politically conscious Arab partner,
we can summarize his position as follows: we have always gotten
along reasonably well with the Jews; Judaism is a religion, so how
does Jewish nationalism fit into this? Might Israel be simply the
product of imperialism and colonialism from which we have already
suffered so much? From this perspective, the Arab nationalist
begins to extend his vision of the colonialists who oppressed and
humiliated him, to the Israelis themselves. Israel doesn't exist as
such; it is only an agent of anti-Arab powers. Jewish nationalism
is just an invention to undermine the Arab nationalist movement and
its inherent revolutionary perspective. All information received by
the Arab partner is filtered through these particular glasses, and
reinforces his deep beliefs. As for the Israeli partner,
particularly those originally from Europe, he went through World
War II in an isolation interrupted only by very rare acts of help
and support from a few exceptional persons. As a general rule, the
Western Jew watched how some of the governments of countries in
which he considered himself a citizen frequently aided the Nazis in
the marginalization of the Jews, a process which preceded their
extermination
During this period, the enemy not only denied his very existence,
but murdered his family and friends. Later, as an Israeli citizen,
he sees the Arabs and the Palestinians as denying the existence of
the Jews as individuals. Certain statements from some Arab leaders
could even be interpreted not only as a threat to Israel as a
nation, but to the very lives of its inhabitants. In this context,
the political events in the Middle East could have been translated
by both the Israelis and the Arabs in such a way that, interpreted
in light of their deep beliefs, their constructions of reality
would be reinforced.
Just as a couple doesn't live in isolation, the Israeli-Arab couple
lived in the context of the Cold War. Just as the families and
friends of each of the couple members can contribute to the
persistence of the couple's conflicts, so the major world powers
maintained, for various reasons, the antagonism between Arabs and
Israelis
Confronting Reality
After the war of 1967, these simplistic schemata could no longer be
maintained so easily. The Palestinian discovered that Israeli
nationalism was not an illusion but a definite reality, and that
there wasn't just one type of Israeli, rather that Israelis were
very diverse individuals with the same limitations and qualities as
people anywhere else. In addition, the Palestinian realized that
the Israeli was not a puppet of the West, but had an autonomous
political stance which was sometimes at odds with that of his
allies.
As for the Israeli, he discovered that the Palestinians were not
simply people who denied the existence of Israel and hated the
Jews, but were an occupied population progressively demanding the
right to a national existence next to Israel rather than in place
of Israel. With the appearance of the Intifada, the Israeli found
himself in the worst possible position for an occupier: having to
shoot children to the increasing disapproval of the world and a
part of the Israeli population. Nevertheless, just as for couples,
change doesn't come about simply as a result of a confrontation
with a reality richer and more flexible than our deep beliefs. At
this point, the willingness of each couple member to believe that a
new reality is possible, more open than he or she believes the
current one to be, clashes with a fear of the disillusion and
suffering that would result from the potentially negative reaction
of the other couple member; this only reinforces the old stance.
Moreover, some Palestinians and Israelis could find, in the words
of some extremists from the other side, elements which strengthen
their deep beliefs and help them avoid any risk of change. The
Palestinian, if he listened only to the words of the Israeli
extreme right, would have his beliefs about Israeli expansionism
reinforced. On the other hand, the Israeli could, if he so desired,
listen only to the voices of groups which, like Hamas, seem unable
to come to terms with the existence of Israel as a state.
A New Relationship
However, others may be able to discern, in the steps already
achieved on both sides, the guarantee of a positive and
irreversible process. Couples don't change so much because each
member convinces himself or herself that the new construction of
reality is better than the previous one, but because they
experience situations in a new way and discover feelings that they
no longer thought were possible. Thus, it is important in couple
psychotherapy to create new situations which, far from being
repetitive, aUow the couple members to experience a new
relationship.
With the end of the Cold War and the reorganization of
international relations, a unique opportunity is being offered to
the Israeli-Arab couple, whose families and friends seem, for the
moment, to be supporting the mutual happiness of both partners
rather than the protests and attacks on each other. The
Israeli-Palestinian couple, and the Israeli-Arab couple in general,
is at a crossroads. The Palestinians have held out their hand to
Israel, and almost all of the Arab governments have made plans for
the future which include peace. It is important that the Israeli
partner, which has also held out its hand, does so with the fewest
restrictions possible, and accepts that a couple develops not in
the domination of one partner by the other, but through mutual
fulfillment. For this reason, the Israeli position regarding the
status of the predominantly Arab part of Jerusalem is crucial from
both a political and a symbolic point of view. If the members of a
couple hope to receive, they must also agree to give.